


una corda

by tokiwas



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, past omi/nachi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-20 18:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15539979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokiwas/pseuds/tokiwas
Summary: The loud beating of their hearts threatens to tear apart the fabric of their quiet world.





	una corda

**Author's Note:**

> the una corda pedal is the leftmost pedal on a modern piano which makes the piano sound slightly softer.  
> ***  
> translation:  
> [chinese translation](http://2016225.lofter.com/post/1ddaeb3b_12e6026b7) (by [living](https://archiveofourown.org/users/living/pseuds/living))

From behind, it looked like a scene from a delinquent comic.

Two men, with menacing statures, walking out of university together in the early afternoon. It looked as if they had ditched classes early, about to join the rest of their gang and cause trouble around town. No one dared to walk in their direction, in case they accidentally bumped into them. Who knew what sort of horrors would happen if they got annoyed.

But of course, that wasn’t the case. It was just Omi and Juuza, on the way home after an early timetable.

“What a coincidence that our classes finish early today. I don’t have club activities either. It’s nice to go home early for once.”

“My evening class got cancelled. The replacement is tomorrow.”

“Tsuzuru won’t be done until much later. Shall we get some groceries on the way home?”

“…Okay.”

From behind, they looked like a couple of gangsters. It didn’t help that they had reputations from high school – reputations that they both didn’t like. But that was all behind them. Acting had allowed them to show their true selves.

They walked together, side by side, on the way back to the place that they belonged.

**

The two of them stopped by the grocery store on the way home. Juuza chose the fruit while Omi bought the meat and vegetables. Since it still early in the afternoon, the grocer wasn’t crowded. The atmosphere was peaceful despite the ominous grey clouds in the sky.

No one was home when they returned. Everyone else was still in school or were at their jobs. The Director had gone to watch a Kabuki play with Citron and Guy, while the Manager had gone to a vinyl sale in town with Kamekichi. It was a rare occurrence for the house to be completely empty.

Dried clothes were taken down from where they were hanging outside. Omi folded and separated the clothes, since Juuza wasn’t really good at folding anything other than sheets and towels. After the laundry was put away, Omi reheated the leftovers from dinner, and the two of them had a quiet lunch together.

“I’m making a roast joint for dinner, and maybe some chocolate mousse for dessert,” he said. “What do you think?”

“…It sounds good,” Juuza replied. He had perked up at the sound of chocolate mousse, which made Omi laugh. This boy could never hide his emotions when it came to dessert.

After lunch, Juuza washed the dishes as Omi marinated the joint in preparation for roasting. Once the meat was prepared, Omi set to mending some lace sleeves upon Yuki’s request. Juuza seemed to have disappeared back to his room, but after a moment, he had returned with his calligraphy kit.

“I haven’t seen you do calligraphy in a while,” he commented. “What’s it for?”

“Mom wanted a banner for a relative’s engagement,” Juuza replied. “Kumon and I are going home to hand it to her this weekend.”

“I see.” Omi smiled, and returned to his needlework.

It was nice to see Juuza doing calligraphy. His eyes were calm and content, and his hands, which so many thought were only good for fighting, held the brush deftly. The strokes on the paper were delicate and skilled. No one would ever think of someone with Juuza’s stature to be able to pull off such fine work. But then again, no one would have expected to find someone with Omi’s build to be stitching lace.

Outside, light rain pelted against the windows and the roof. Petrichor rose from the earth and surrounded the air, as if trapping them in their own world. In this world, it was just Omi sewing his lace, and Juuza writing his calligraphy. It didn’t seem like a world made for them. Even so, the two of them revelled in the gentle silence they were in.

In a moment, Azami would come home. Following him would be the high schoolers. The quiet world would be disrupted, and the dorms would become lively again. But in this very moment, the two of them were content. How nice it was, Omi thought, to live in a world as delicate as the fabric between his own fingers.

**

“Hyodo, you bastard, you left your clothes lying around again!”

“Annoying as always. It’s not like it’s your side of the room.”

“Wha-?!”

The usual fight between Banri and Juuza went on in the evening. In the middle of the living room, the Summer Troupe were watching Tenma’s drama together. Taichi shared a gossip magazine with Masumi, while Homare recited poems to an uninterested Tsuzuru. With all the noise and commotion around, it almost felt as if the afternoon never happened.

Even so, it still felt like home, amidst everyone’s chatter. It was because of everyone that Omi could be comfortable with his true self. He was sure that Juuza and everyone else felt the same way. With a smile, Omi went over to where Banri and Juuza were arguing, and pulled them apart just in time for dinner.

**

The days went on in the same way.

Now that they went to the same university, they started to spend more time together. Of course, those moments were rather rare. Tsuzuru was around, and so were the other members of the Troupe. It wasn’t as if everyone else’s company wasn’t enjoyable. In fact, being around everyone was fun too. But whenever it was just the two of them, it felt just a little bit more special.

Perhaps it was because they had nothing much to say. Juuza wasn’t good at words, and so they mostly spent their time together in silence. But their silence wasn’t awkward at all. It was comfortable and safe. As if they were in a separate world from everyone else.

Omi was glad that Juuza was relaxed around him. When they first met, Juuza seemed to just admire him, while Omi, because of his past, had put up a wall of kindness when talking to him. But after their second play, and ever since Juuza entered university, they had somehow formed the special friendship that they had now.

“Juuza, you’re still awake?”

Juuza startled from where he was sitting in the living room. There was a script in his hands and a textbook on the coffee table. The clock on the wall struck eleven.

“…Yeah. I’m reading the script we have to study for my next lecture.”

Omi smiled. Just last year, Juuza was struggling to keep up with his studies. He had become more hardworking since he entered university. It was amazing how people changed when they started to do the things they enjoyed.

“We still have some dessert leftover from dinner,” Omi said, laughing to himself at the sight of Juuza’s eyes lighting up at his statement. “Shall I prepare some for you? To motivate you into working hard.”

“I-If it’s not a bother,” Juuza stammered. When did he stop hiding the fact that he liked sweets, and started to be more honest about himself? Omi couldn’t help the fond feeling growing in his chest when he thought about the Juuza he first met, and the Juuza he knew now.

Omi prepared a helping of watermelon sorbet for Juuza, and watched him dig in. It was always satisfying to see him so happy. Juuza was emotionally clumsy and struggled with expressing himself, but every time there was dessert, his honest expression always shone through.

“Does it taste nice?” Omi asked, even though Juuza had already complimented the dessert during dinner.

Juuza nodded, eyes shining and a content smile on his face. Omi felt something strange in his chest; like someone had grabbed his heart and squeezed it slightly.

“I’m glad you like it,” he responded, ignoring the unusual feeling. “Would you like me to practice reading the script with you?”

As the night went on, Omi sat next to Juuza as they practiced the script together. Omi read the part of one character, and Juuza read the part of another. Their arms and elbows and shoulders bumped together on multiple occasions, and the closeness brought back the same strange sensation in Omi’s chest. It was strange. It wasn’t bad at all, but it left him with a feeling of longing. As if he wanted to spend more time like this. As if he wanted their secret world to last forever.

**

The more and more time Omi spent time with Juuza, the more and more the strange feeling in his chest popped up. The longing grew, each time he saw Juuza smile at the sight of desserts, or carry out an etude when they did street work together.

This time, they had just finished carrying out a street act together under Sakyo’s orders. As usual, it was full of action scenes. Due to the stunts, they earned quite a bit of money. But Omi didn’t care about how much money they earned. He was happy to be acting alone with Juuza. 

The happiness he felt at their closeness was almost painful. And yet, he wanted more. He wanted to be with Juuza, always.

This feeling, it couldn’t be-

“Omi-san, what’s wrong?”

Juuza was staring at him. Omi startled from where he was deep in thought.

“O-oh. It’s nothing. Great job today. We’ve made a lot of money this time around, so I’ll make cream anmitsu for dessert.”

“A-anmitsu…!”

Juuza’s eyes sparkled, and his face lit up. Any other time, Omi would have just laughed at his earnest expression. But this time, he felt his face becoming hot, and his heart pounding. The longing between his ribs swelled up until it filled the entire cavity in his chest.

It couldn’t be-

**

The first time Omi fell in love was when he was in elementary school. He couldn’t remember much about it.

The second time Omi fell in love was when he was in high school. He could remember it clearly. He had fallen in love with his best friend.

It was different from how he was feeling now. Back then, the longing wasn’t painful. Omi simply had found himself on the tightrope separating friendship and romantic love, and somehow he had fallen over the other side.

He hadn’t said anything about it at all. He had just kept quiet with his longing. But one night, when the two of them were touring and had gotten drunk off beers bought with a fake ID, somehow Omi ended up kissing Nachi, who didn’t pull away, and had kissed him back.

“I like you,” Nachi had whispered into his ear. “You’re so precious to me.”

They had gotten each other off in a love hotel, and never pursued anything further the next day. There was no apology or explanation. It was as if that night never even happened.

Maybe if they weren’t in a biker gang, things would have been different. Maybe, if they had stopped their delinquent activities earlier, they would have pursued a romantic relationship. But in that moment, in their adrenaline-filled lives, romance was the last thing on their mind. That night together merely got the insignificant stuff out of their system, and they could go back to being biker gods again.

He couldn’t deny that he had thought about that night after Nachi’s passing. It had shattered him, back when he was in the hospital and overcome with regret. Things could have been different if Nachi was still alive.

Were these growing feelings for Juuza because of Nachi?

Was he just passing on his old feelings for Nachi onto Juuza, who was still alive?

It was a sickening thought. Juuza was his own person. It would be horrible to confess to Juuza, to ask him out, just because he was still in love with his best friend. It wouldn’t be fair to Juuza at all.

But he couldn’t help his longing. He couldn’t help that tight feeling in his chest every time they were together.

It was dangerous.

**

Despite how painful it was, Omi decided to distance himself from Juuza. Not too much, of course. He didn’t want Juuza to be hurt. But Omi just needed some time to think about his feelings. If he continued the way he did, he would just end up hurting Juuza.

Thankfully, the photography club was holding an event for the upcoming cultural festival, and so he had to spend more time in the university and less time in the dorms. But whenever he was in the dorms, he was careful not to spend any long periods of time along with Juuza. He still gave Juuza sweets and treated him kindly, but he did his best to avoid any moments such as the rainy afternoon they spent together, or the night where they rehearsed a script.

Due to his club activities, he became slightly detached, not just from Juuza, but from the entire troupe. He spent most of his free time alone; thinking about Juuza, thinking about Nachi.

If Nachi was still alive, would he have fallen in love with Juuza?

He didn’t know.

And that was the problem.

If he put Nachi and Juuza side by side, he would choose Nachi in a heartbeat. Nachi was his closest friend, after all. But painful as it was, Nachi wasn’t here. And so he had no choice other than Juuza.

That wasn’t fair.

Juuza deserved to be loved by someone who loved him for who he was, not merely because he looked like someone else.

But Omi still longed to be with Juuza. He wanted to stay by his side. Every time he thought of Juuza, the longing within him made itself known. Forcing himself to keep a reasonable distance already hurt enough. All he could think about was being with Juuza, which in turn made him feel guilty and confused about his old feelings for Nachi. It was a never ending cycle of conflicting emotions.

**

On one of the nights where Omi made his way home from his club activities, he encountered Juuza, who was walking from the direction of the library. He must have been staying back late to finish an assignment of some sort. Omi couldn’t help but feel his chest tighten with fondness at the sight of Juuza, sharp eyes sleepy from the late night.

The thoughts that rang in his head were far too dangerous.

“Juuza.” He swallowed down his want, and forced a smile. “You’re here pretty late.”

“…Yeah.”

Juuza wasn’t looking at Omi as he talked. He was staring at his shoes.

“Do you want to walk home together?” Omi asked. He wasn’t going to outright avoid Juuza altogether, even though it would be risky for his greedy heart to cling to any moments shared between them.

“…No, it’s okay. I’m going to the convenience store on the way home.”

Before Omi could say anything further, Juuza just swept past him, walking towards the main road with a grim expression. Omi could only watch him helplessly as he left.

Perhaps he had stepped overboard. Perhaps he had been avoiding Juuza too much.

Juuza had started to avoid him too.

**

It didn’t just stop at university. Juuza was avoiding him in the dorms as well. They barely shared a single moment together anymore. Even during practice, Juuza gravitated more towards Sakyo, staying back to ask for advice and doing self training on his own. It hurt Omi more than he expected. But he deserved it. It served him right for avoiding Juuza without any explanation.

He tried to not let it bother him. He acted the same as usual. He offered Juuza scones and desserts as he always did. Juuza, as much as he ignored Omi, couldn’t ignore snacks, so he would accept them. But he seemed to be subdued when eating Omi’s desserts. Almost as if he was ashamed, for some reason.

Omi had gone too far. Juuza had been hurt by him, and was now staying away from being hurt even further. He needed to sort out his feelings soon. If not he would lose that quiet world with Juuza forever, and it might even cause a rift in the entire Autumn Troupe. Omi couldn’t let his feelings destroy the Troupe. He had already caused them too much trouble in Stranger.

But his heart was too traitorous. He couldn’t suppress his feelings for Juuza; yet he couldn’t figure out whether he was just using Juuza as Nachi’s replacement. If he confessed to Juuza before sorting himself out, he would end up hurting Juuza. But even without explaining himself, he was already hurting him. How could he claim to have feelings for this person, and yet continue to hurt him? He was truly messed up.

Omi realised that he was spending too much time alone, due to his thoughts. His world was now way quieter than it was when he was spending time with Juuza. But it wasn’t the same. It was a world torn into half. It was an unbearable world.

**

“Omi-kun, haven’t you and Juuza-san been acting weird around each other?”

Omi flinched at Taichi’s words. He had tried to make things as inconspicuous as possible, but somehow Taichi had noticed.

“Wh-what do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, you seem like you’re treating him really gently. Kind of like when we first joined the Troupe.” Taichi scratched his head as he tried to think out a proper way to explain it. But those confused words were enough for Omi.

When they first joined. When he first saw Nachi in Juuza’s sharp eyes, and had feared rejection for his selfishness. Wasn’t that what was happening, in this very moment in time?

“Then again, Juuza-san has been weird around you too,” Taichi went on. “He’s kind of like avoiding you or something. Did anything happen between you two?”

“Well…”

He couldn’t possibly tell Taichi about his feelings. Not when he didn’t fully understand them himself. But he did want to patch up what he had between him and Juuza.

_It’s because you’re a coward_ , a part of him whispered in Nachi’s voice.

“…It’s got something to do with my past, but I ended up trying to avoid Juuza because of it,” Omi finally explained. It wasn’t exactly wrong. “But I think, maybe he’s noticed me avoiding him, and it’s hurt him.”

“I think Juuza-san would understand if it’s about your past,” Taichi replied. “I mean, Juuza-san really looks up to you! Maybe you should talk to him!”

“I don’t think I can talk about the past,” Omi said quietly. “Not just yet.”

How could he explain it to Juuza? That he was once in love with a person who looked like him, and he was possibly transferring those feelings onto Juuza? How would anyone possibly be okay with being a replacement?

“You don’t have tell the full story.” Taichi was nodding to himself wisely. “You just have to ask him why he’s avoiding you, and explain that you’re having some trouble about your past! That’s all!”

Omi couldn’t help but smile at Taichi’s eagerness. Despite his regrets, Taichi continued smiling, in order to repay the kindness of the people who had accepted him. Omi wished he possessed the same amount of strength that Taichi had.

Hopefully this would work. If there was some way he could fix their relationship, he would do it. But he couldn’t reveal his selfishness and greed.

Not just yet.

**

It was difficult to find some time alone with Juuza. Omi was busy with his club activities, and Juuza seemed to be coming back later and later from university. He also seemed to be spending a lot of time self-training, even though Tsuzuru wasn’t done with their script yet. How ironic, considering that they previously spent so much time together.

After a number of failed attempts, Omi managed to find Juuza sitting in the garden during a late night. He looked extremely tired. Was he sleeping and eating okay? He seemed to be pushing himself hard lately. Omi worried about his health.

Somehow Juuza noticed him, and stiffened. He dipped his head and stood up.

“Wait!” Omi called out, before he could run away.

Juuza stopped.

“I know I’ve been avoiding you,” Omi started. “I’m sorry about that.”

“…It’s okay,” Juuza answered, averting his gaze.

“We haven’t been spending a lot of time together,” Omi continued. “I know it’s my fault, but. If there’s any way we could go back to what we used to be…”

Juuza didn’t answer. Even though the atmosphere was quiet, the silence this time was awkward and sharp. It was nothing like what it once was. Omi knew it was his own fault, but even so. He wanted Juuza to feel comfortable around him again. He wanted that quiet world back.

“I’m a selfish person, you see.” He laughed bitterly. “I-I don’t want to lose what we had.”

Juuza just stared at him. Sharp eyes boring into Omi, as if blaming him. They had gone right back to the beginning, when Omi had first saw Juuza, and feared his honesty.

Love was cruel. Loving someone was cruel. Fate would snatch whatever you had away from you in a single moment. Omi had taken pride in managing to form his quiet friendship with Juuza. Now, it seemed as good as gone. They were uncertain around each other again. They were putting up barriers and were refusing to show their true selves to each other.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Juuza finally said. He turned around and walked away, leaving Omi alone.

**

“You’re back late.”

Sakyo didn’t look up from the television screen as Omi walked into the living room. He was watching another movie on his own.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Omi smiled tiredly. “I’ve got an exhibition for the photography club coming up, so we’ve got a lot of plans.”

“I see.” Sakyo motioned to the dinner table. “There’s leftovers from dinner, if you want some.”

A plate of curry-filled riceballs were waiting on the dining room table for him. The Summer Troupe had probably made them for Kazunari, who was working on a new painting, and had saved some for Omi.

“There’s a lot of riceballs,” he commented.

“Some of them are for Hyodo,” Sakyo replied.

“Oh. So he’s late again.” Omi remembered Juuza walking away from him, and sighed.

He missed Juuza. They were so distant now that Omi even missed him when they were in the same room. It was ridiculous. He never knew his heart was this weak. And yet he couldn’t help that cruel feeling of longing.

Action themed music blared from the television as Omi ate his dinner in silence. It was a relatively new movie which just had its DVD release a week ago. Critics had praised the action scenes in the movie, which was probably why Sakyo had rented it out.

“Did you and Hyodo get into a fight?” Sakyo asked, as Omi was washing up. He still didn’t look away from the television.

Omi sighed again.

“Did Juuza say anything?”

“He didn’t say anything to me,” Sakyo replied. “But you two don’t spend time together anymore. I know you’ve got your Cultural Festival, but you two act really distant in practice. Hyodo likes to trail after you for sweet things, so I figured something was up. Settsu mentioned something about Hyodo distancing himself, too.”

It wasn’t just Taichi who knew. Banri and Sakyo had figured it out too. No doubt Azami had gotten a hint that something was wrong as well. The Troupe was at unease because of him, and his confusing feelings.

“…I think I’ve hurt Juuza,” Omi said quietly. “He’s staying away from me because I hurt him. I’ve tried to fix it, but… maybe I went too far.”

“It’s got something to do with your past, doesn’t it?” Sakyo asked. Omi laughed, despite himself. That man really could see through everything.

“Somewhat, I guess,” he admitted. Sakyo hummed in response.

An explosion occurred from the screen.

“Hyodo’s got some sort of personal agenda going on at the moment, though…” Sakyo trailed off for a moment before continuing. “Whatever it is, I don’t think that it’s just you who’s struggling. Hyodo probably has his own reasons for distancing himself too.”

Omi couldn’t feel thankful about that. Instead he felt guilty. If not for his feelings, Juuza would have approached him for help, whatever it was. Omi would do anything to help him. They were so close in the past. Curse his weak, wretched heart.

“I guess I’ll give him space for now,” he finally said. “In the meanwhile I’ll try to sort myself out. Thanks a lot, Sakyo-san.”

Sakyo raised his eyebrows, and turned back to the screen.

“Goodness, kids these days sure have a lot to deal with.”

**

The Cultural Festival was soon approaching. The Photography Club had finally set up their work; it was an exhibition-type display with different themes of photographs. Omi had contributed to a number of themes, and was secretly proud to see the pictures he had taken displayed on the wall. At the same time, he felt a sense of unease. The Festival was almost here, and yet he still hadn’t sorted out his feelings. There was no event to hide behind anymore, and he was still at square one.

Nothing had improved between him and Juuza. He acted the same as usual, but Juuza was distancing himself more and more. He seemed to be working really hard and pushing himself. Omi had tried to approach him, but his efforts were left with Juuza assuring him he was fine and leaving quickly. It was worrying. When he asked Banri about it, the Troupe leader just pulled a face and said that Juuza was being an idiot.

“He’s just running away,” he said, sounding annoyed. “He’s too weak to face his problems head on. It’s not your fault at all.”

Omi didn’t understand what Banri meant, but he assumed that Juuza was throwing himself into work to avoid facing his problems. He wanted to help. But Juuza was probably still hurt by his actions, so he would probably cause more hindrance than help.

He was the last one to leave the gallery, and so he had a chance to have it all to himself just before he closed shop. He looked at all the photographs; at all their hard work in creating the exhibition.

There were many photographs on display. Nature and human nature. Construction and emotion. They were all shown hanging on the wall, inviting people to join the club and capture their own.

One of the photos that Omi had contributed was a picture of the Autumn Troupe. It was a snapshot of them getting ready for their fourth play. Azami was putting powder on Sakyo’s face, and Yuki was adjusting Banri’s costume. Taichi was talking to the Director, while Juuza was doing a last minute peek at his lines. It looked like a typical scene that occurred regularly backstage in theatre troupes everywhere. But somehow Omi had managed to capture the expressions on everyone’s faces in great detail.

The passion in Azami’s gaze as he did his makeup. An almost softness in Sakyo’s face as he closed his eyes, to let Azami do his work. The carefree expression on Banri's face, watching a focused Yuki at work. Taichi’s eagerness as he talked to the Director, who wore a similar smile on her face. And Juuza, staring at his script, unable to hide the nervousness in his eyes.

Omi wanted to protect him.

He wanted to make sure he would never look that vulnerable again.

With a jolt, he realised that not once did he ever have those same feelings for Nachi.

Omi always wanted to fight alongside Nachi. He longed to ride together with him. But he had never thought of protecting him. Nachi was strong enough to fend for himself. Even now, with Nachi gone. He never felt that Nachi needed protecting. As long as they could fight alongside each other, that would always be enough.

It wasn't like that with Juuza.

The revelation struck Omi with a sudden sadness, like a punch to the inside of his chest. He looked at the picture again; right at Juuza. The longing for Juuza, hidden beneath his lungs, reared its head again. This time, he didn’t think of Nachi. This time, he didn’t feel guilty for his feelings. Instead it was replaced with that strange sadness again.

Why was he unhappy?

Was he unhappy that he had finally found a difference in his feelings?

He didn’t understand how his heart worked anymore.

**

When Omi joined the Autumn Troupe, he learned how to reveal his true self. He had bared his past to the Autumn Troupe in his Portrait, and none of them judged him for it. The Company was truly a special place. Everyone there accepted each other, no matter how many regrets they had.

But for matters such as these, there was only one person he could turn to.

“I’m sorry I haven’t visited in a while,” he started. “I’ve just been finished with the university’s cultural festival. The photography club had a really nice exhibition held; lots of people came and were impressed. Isn’t that cool?”

Of course, there was no answer. Graves couldn’t speak, after all. Omi just went on, speaking to the empty air.

“Do you remember the night I kissed you? I felt so happy when you kissed me back. You said I was precious to you. You’re so, so precious to me too.”

Every time they rode together. Every time they led Wolf out on the roads, bikes howling in the wind. There was always an endless happiness he felt when he was sitting next to Nachi.

“I really did love you. I loved you more than anything. And that’s why I’m scared. I feel the same happiness when I’m with Juuza. I don't know whether I'm just replacing you with him. It's not fair. Not to him, and not to you.”

His eyes hurt. His chest ached. He longed for Nachi to be here. He wanted Nachi to advise him on what to do. In the peak of their biking days, they were inseparable. Having Nachi gone was like having his heart ripped out. And somehow, someone with Nachi's sharp eyes was trying to fill in that void. 

Omi kept quiet for a long time. The only sound that could be heard was him trying to control his breathing. He thought of Nachi, with his carefree smile. He thought of Juuza, with his honest expression. He thought of that day in the photo gallery.

“What would you think of me now, Nachi? What if I told you that I like someone else? Would you get angry? Would you think of me as an idiot?”

The wind rustled, as if laughing at Omi. He cracked a wry smile.

“You’re right,” he said, standing up from where he was knelt in front of the grave. “I’m a right fool.”

He already knew the answer.

Perhaps he had known this whole time. But he was afraid of moving on. He was afraid that accepting his feelings for Juuza meant that he was betraying his old feelings for Nachi. But even if Nachi was still alive, he wouldn’t have been angry if Omi had ended up falling for someone else. After all, Omi wouldn’t have been angry if Nachi did the same thing. Their friendship was stronger than their romantic feelings for each other.

Juuza wasn’t Nachi, and Nachi wasn’t Juuza.

The feelings he once had weren’t the same as the feelings that he had now.

Omi and Nachi never had a quiet world. Their lives were full of adrenaline. Even if they had stopped their biking life and had gotten into a relationship, it would be full of loud laughter and impulsive decisions. It wouldn’t be the delicate atmosphere that Omi and Juuza shared.

They were different people, after all.

Still, he loved them both, in those different ways.

On the way home, Omi noticed red spider lilies blooming next to the river bank. Plenty of them had grown, making it look as if the river bank was stained with blood. Those flowers were well associated with death, after all. Even so, Omi found them extremely beautiful.

**

Omi spent the whole night thinking. He thought about the past few weeks. The feelings he had for Juuza. The feelings he had for Nachi. Juuza’s distant behaviour, and how it pricked his chest.

Perhaps Taichi had noticed he needed space, as he had sent a message saying that he was spending the night with Muku and Kazunari. Omi was grateful that he had a roommate that understood him, the way that Taichi did.

He had to confront Juuza and tell him about his feelings. The next play was coming up soon, and he couldn’t let it be ruined just because they were dancing around each other. He had to confess, apologise for his feelings, and let them move on.

Now that he had figured it out, it would be easier to be rejected.

It would be painful. All that struggle and suffering to understand how he felt, just to be rejected in a heartbeat. But Omi’s life had been filled with pain and loss since he was a child. He always made it out alive. He would make it out of this heartbreak, too.

Omi loved Juuza. He loved Juuza to the point where he didn’t want his feelings to ruin their friendship. He wanted to protect Juuza. He wanted to cherish him, and treat him kindly.

If he couldn’t do it as a lover, he would do it as a friend.

As long as they could return to that world where it was just the two of them. Gentle and soft in all the ways the world never expected them to be.

That night, however, Omi dreamt of Nachi. It wasn’t a nightmare, and it wasn’t any incredible dream. It was just the two of them, talking and riding their bikes along a never ending road. Omi woke up before the two of them had reached their destination, but he didn’t feel any sense of dissatisfaction.

It was always the ride that they enjoyed the most, after all.

Nachi would always be a part of him. His loss had carved a scar down his chin and tore his heart out from his ribcage. The fact that Omi once loved him could never be changed. But Omi had met new people ever since then, and with them came new feelings.

He had feelings for Juuza. Not old feelings for Nachi pushed onto him, but feelings for Juuza himself.

That, too, was a new truth that he could finally admit.

**

Omi had planned to confess to Juuza alone. He planned to meet Juuza outside his lecture theatre, take him to a quiet spot and explain himself. Juuza would probably reject him, and get angry with him. He was prepared for that. But if they could go back to being friends again, he would gladly take those words of anger.

He went about his day as usual; even making mille-feuille for dessert. Hopefully it would get Juuza into a good mood, and would be more willing to talk to him the next day. Juuza, who was home early for once, seemed to enjoy it. Omi secretly rejoiced at his reaction. He had already planned to make Pavlova as an apology dessert after their conversation to try and get back into Juuza's good books.

The plan, however, was ruined when the door to his room burst open in the late evening.

“Omi-kun, we’re in big trouble!” Taichi shouted from the doorway. Omi looked up from his woollen felt in surprise.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Ban-chan and Juuza-san are fighting! Like for real! They’ve broken stuff and everything! Please help me separate them!”

Omi got to his feet and followed Taichi to Banri and Juuza’s room. It had been a long time since the two troublemakers had got into a real fight which wasn’t just mere arguing. It was a good thing Sakyo had an appointment with Azami’s father. Who knows how he would react seeing them.

The room was a mess. The furniture was turned over, and there were pieces of broken ornaments from where they had been knocked off a shelf. In the middle of the room were Banri and Juuza, throwing kicks and punches at each other as if they were practicing for the next play. But it wasn’t practice this time; it was all real.

“You’re just bringing the Autumn Troupe down at this point!” Banri was snarling. “All because you’re just a coward!”

Juuza merely lunged at him, trapping him in a headlock and throwing him on the ground. His eyes were wild with anger. Banri didn’t seem frightened despite being in the vulnerable position, using his feet to kick out at Juuza from under him.

“Hey, hey, both of you!” Omi called out, grabbing the two of them and pulling them apart. “If Sakyo-san finds out about this mess you’ll be in handcuffs again, you know?”

Banri pushed himself against Omi’s grip, in an attempt to get to Juuza. Conversely, Juuza seemed to shy away from Omi’s touch. Had it really come to this – to the point where Juuza didn’t even want to have contact with him anymore?

“Look, I’m just telling him to stop running away!” Banri said angrily. “If anything, Hyodo should just-”

“It’s so fucking easy for you to say!” Juuza snapped back. “You don’t understand anything!”

“Wha-?!”

Omi stood firm as the two of them tried to attack each other again. This time, Taichi grabbed Banri by the arm and tugged him away.

“Come on, Ban-chan! If Sakyo-nii finds out about this, we’ll never see daylight again!”

Banri clicked his tongue and stalked out of the room, shooting a glare at Omi and Juuza.

“I’m gonna crash at Itaru-san’s. Omi, knock some sense into this dude. He’s hopeless.”

Juuza let out a growl, but Omi pulled him back before he could move forward. Taichi gave Omi a troubled look before following after Banri, closing the door as he left. The two of them were left alone.

“Do you want to talk about this?” Omi asked.

Juuza shook his head and pulled away. His breathing was loud and heavy from fighting. Omi’s was slightly laboured due to the effort of intervening in the fight. They were both in stances almost alike fighting. How different it was to how it once was. Now, they looked violent. Now, they looked like how the world constantly perceived them.

Even though it hurt to see Juuza pull away from him, Omi wasn’t going to let it slide this time. He remembered the way they used to be. Comfortable and quiet, apart from everyone else. The delicate fabric of their world was now torn to shreds, but Omi had always been good at sewing. He would do whatever it took to piece their world back together.

“Was it because of me?” he pressed on. “Is it still because I was avoiding you before?”

Juuza flinched. Omi didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, but they had to face this.

“Our next play is coming up. We shouldn’t be acting awkward around each other anymore. I’m really, really sorry about what I did.”

“Omi-san didn’t do anything at all,” Juuza interrupted. He sounded so tired, as if weighed down by a heavy burden. Omi longed to make that burden disappear. “It’s my problem.”

“But it involves me,” Omi said firmly. “If it involves me, then I’ll do whatever I can to help you. I’m sorry, Juuza. I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise,” Juuza protested, but Omi shook his head. It was now or never. He had to reveal his heart to Juuza now, if they wanted to go back to normal. Even if Juuza hated him or found him disgusting, Omi would accept it. He had been imagining Juuza’s rejection from the day they first met. Whatever horrible words Juuza might say, Omi was willing to accept it. There was no more time for cowardice.

“You’re special to me,” he started.

Juuza’s eyes widened. Omi chose his words carefully as he went on.

“Remember that day when you were reading a script at night in the living room, and I prepared dessert for you? That’s when I started seeing you differently. I started to develop feelings for you. But I’ve had those same feelings for someone else before, and that person looked like you. I thought that perhaps I was mixing my feelings up, and it was unfair to you. So I decided to keep my distance to figure myself out first. That’s why I was avoiding you. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’ll get over my feelings if we can go back to what we were before, I promise.”

There was a long silence. But the tension was gone. Omi almost felt tranquil, with all the months of heartache finally released. There was nothing more he could do except wait for the inevitable rejection.

“Do you still see me as someone else?” Juuza finally asked. There was no hint of any emotion from the question. Omi inhaled, and shook his head.

“No,” he said. “You’re both different.”

“…If you could have answered differently, I’d- I’d be happy.”

This time, Omi’s eyes widened in surprise.

“What do you-”

“If I were someone else, then I could make you happy,” Juuza muttered. He sounded as if he were talking to himself. “If I could even be a replacement, then-”

“Juuza, what do you mean?” Omi asked, confused.

“I-I like you!”

It was blurted out, like a confession released from where it was caught in his throat. Was this a dream? Was this an illusion? Would it all disappear if Omi reached out and touched him?

“I like you. I’ve always- ever since I entered university. You’re always so nice, and- you’re so cool, too. But- someone like me could never be your lover!”

Juuza was shaking as he spoke. Desperation coloured his voice. Omi could only stare at him in shock. He never, never expected this.

“I tried to just be content with the way we were, but- when you- stopped spending time with me, I realised that I couldn't ignore it anymore. But even if I’ve admitted it to myself, I still can’t be with you. Not when I’m like this! I’m just a useless, good-for-nothing guy! How can I stand close to you, when all I want to do is to be with you, but I don’t deserve that at all?”

“Juuza-”

“That’s why I kept my distance. That’s why I’ve been working so hard. I want to be the person deserving of being in love with Omi-san. But until then, I have no right to my own feelings!”

Omi never knew how lowly Juuza thought of himself. It made his heart ache. Juuza was always working hard, striving to become someone else. But Juuza would never know how much he changed everyone. Sakyo saw his younger self in him. Banri became motivated because of him. Taichi admired him unabashedly. And Omi, because of him, had learned to move forward into the future.

Despite how much Juuza wanted to change, despite how much he despised the self that he once was, the Juuza that had stood on stage for the first time and performed his audition hopelessly had changed the lives of the four people that had watched him.

“I like you,” Omi said slowly. Juuza stiffened at the words, and he started to protest, but Omi cut him off. “I don’t care how anyone else sees you. I know who you really are. You’re really kind, especially to Kumon and Muku. You’re always striving to be a better actor. You love sweet things. When you eat my desserts, your eyes light up, and I think it’s cute. I really like all those things about you.”

He sounded like a complete sap. If Nachi was next to him, he would laugh his head off. But Juuza wasn’t Nachi. Omi knew that now. Even if those two looked alike, they were different people. All the things he loved about Juuza was completely different to all the things he once loved about Nachi.

Juuza shook his head vehemently, arms wrapped around himself in a helpless manner. His gaze was fixed on the floor, as if not wanting Omi to see his face. But his body language said everything. Here was a boy who had been denied love from the world outside his family for too long, to the point where he refused to let anyone love him.

“I thought you noticed that I- that I liked you,” he said. His voice cracked as he spoke. “I thought you were disgusted.”

“I would never be disgusted by you, Juuza.” Omi stepped closer, and much to his relief, Juuza didn’t back away. “I’m really, really happy.”

How ironic it was, to hear his own fears come from Juuza’s mouth. But now the shock had worn off, and Omi was filled with happiness. Juuza liked him. Juuza had saw the selfish coward that he was, and had loved him all the same.

“I don’t know how to be a lover,” Juuza protested weakly. “I have nothing to give you.”

“That’s fine,” Omi replied, voice soft. “You don’t have to give me anything. Let’s just be there for each other, okay? Everything else, we can learn together.”

The tips of their sandals touched. Up close, Omi could hear the ragged breathing of the boy that he loved. How cruel it was for the world to deny him of tenderness, merely because of the shape of his eyes.

“I really like you, Juuza,” he repeated. Juuza looked up at him, eyes filled with pain and hope. “I like the way you are now, and I’ll like you no matter what person you become.”

“I like you too,” Juuza responded. He finally smiled. “I like Omi-san no matter what.”

The night air was cold, and the atmosphere was quiet. Despite the overturned furniture and broken ceramic, there was no trace of violence between the two people in the room anymore. They were back in their own world again. But this time, it had become a little bit more special than before.

 “Have you ever been kissed before?” Omi asked gently.

Juuza shook his head.

“No one would ever want to kiss someone like me,” he mumbled.

“That’s not true,” Omi told him, taking his hands. “I want to kiss you. May I?”

Juuza blushed at the contact, and at the question. Despite it all, he nodded shyly. Omi smiled at his honesty, and leaned forward, pressing his lips against Juuza’s for a moment before pulling back. There had been no response when their lips touched; Juuza probably didn’t know how. But that was fine. They had time to learn.

“Was that okay?” Omi asked him.

Face completely red, Juuza nodded. They were so close; Omi could hear the loud beating of Juuza’s heart from where he stood. He still hadn’t let go of his hands.

“We’ll take our time,” he promised. “There’s no need to rush.”

Juuza nodded again, and this time it was him who tilted his head to kiss Omi. Nervous lips against his, just slightly, and then away.

**

On the surface, it looked like nothing changed.

They were walking home together again. This time it was in the late evening. Tsuzuru was at home, working on the next script. Autumn was on its way, with the red spider lilies ushering the colder weather in. The earth was about to dress up in red and brown and yellow.

But just like the changing seasons, things had changed between them. They stopped avoiding each other and had gone back to how they used to be. But now there were slight differences in their usual routine. Like Juuza staying over in Omi’s room when Taichi was on sewing duty. Or Omi waiting for Juuza outside his lecture theatre when their classes ended around the same time.

Or taking a slightly longer walk home from university to enjoy some time alone, just like what they were doing now.

“No one is around,” Omi said quietly, as they walked through the park. “Would you like to hold hands until we reach the shopping district?”

Juuza’s ears became slightly red. Everything was still new to him. He was completely clueless when it came to being in a relationship, and was easily embarrassed at the simplest things. Omi couldn’t blame him. The both of them had never expected to have the type of quiet romance that they were in now. Even so, there was no need to rush. He would give Juuza as much time as he needed to feel comfortable with what he wanted.

Not to mention that Juuza being flustered was extremely endearing.

“...Sure.”

It was a shy response, Juuza not looking at him, and his ears still red. But even with his sharp eyes and embarrassed posture, Omi could tell that he was happy. Omi smiled and took his hand, fingers twining together, and the two of them stepped back into their own gentle world.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sure omi and juuza do a lot of rough activities too, like going on motorcycle tours and beating each other up during practice and plays lmao


End file.
